How is it that, despite being committed to change, we so often fail to make the changes we are committed to? I have explored this issue in previous newsletters by considering the dynamic between Desire and Addiction. Kegan and Lahey provide another perspective in their recent book How the Way We Talk Can Change the Way We Work: Seven Languages for Transformation. They suggest that, if we are not making happen what we claim to be committed to, then there must be a stronger, competing commitment to which we are unknowingly committed.

Their process for uncovering this stronger competing commitment is simple and effective and can be used with both individuals and groups. I have slightly adapted it here:

1. Commitment: Identify something that it is important to you to have or that you value, which you don't yet have in your life. Make this commitment explicit by completing the stem "I am committed to ? "
2. Behaviour: Given that the commitment you have just identified is not currently being fulfilled in your life, complete the stem "What I'm doing, or not doing, that is preventing my commitment being more fully realised is ?".
3. Competing Commitment: Given what you're doing, or not doing, what does this suggest you're actually committed to? That is, identify the stronger more compelling outcome that you are actually committed to (the Competing Commitment). Complete the stem "I may also be committed to ..."
4. Big Assumption: Driving your competing commitment will be an assumption that you treat as true. To uncover this Big Assumption, complete the stem "I assume that if my competing commitment is (not) met, ?" with how you might feel then. (If you come up with something that unnerves you a little, then you are probably on track. If you come up with something noble, you probably need to try again!)

For example:

1. Commitment: I am committed to managing my time better and having a better work-life balance.
2. Behaviour: What I'm doing that prevents my commitment from being more fully realised is working weekends, over-preparing and procrastinating.
3. Competing Commitment: I may also be committed to doing perfect work.
4. Big Assumption: I assume that if I'm not perfect, I'll be rejected.

If we then read this sequence backwards, we can see that, given the Big Assumption, it is entirely appropriate to pursue the competing commitment, and in turn to behave in a way which prevents us achieving our actual goal.

Sometimes, merely being aware of the conflicting commitments allows us to change our behaviour. If not, one way forward is to find ways to challenge the Big Assumption that drives the dynamic, for example by noticing evidence that challenges it (When I screw up, actually I don't get thrown out), exploring its origins and whether it is still relevant (I've been sent away to school because I'm not working hard enough), or finding opportunities to test it and see how we feel (Do a good enough rather than perfect piece of work). As we recognise that the Big Assumption is not the truth, so we free ourselves to achieve our commitments.